Have you ever needed reassurance from a friend, spouse, or mentor, only to feel the relief of the moment evaporate within a few hours?
If so, you’re not crazy. You’re not imagining it…and though you may be experiencing brokenness, you’re not beyond repair. On today’s episode of the Everyday Faith Podcast, we hear from our friend Dean Goossen, who is a counselor and pastor with experience helping people heal from their past.
According to Dean, if you keep hitting the same wall in your relationship, you may be trying to heal a wound with the wrong medicine. So, join us as we learn about the three most common mistakes people make in relationships and how to overcome these hurdles to experience true relational health.
The Moneybag With Holes Analogy
If you think of a broken heart like a moneybag with holes in it, it makes sense that love, reassurance, and relational connection may feel like it’s slipping through your fingers. You pour into your relationships, you sow into them, you receive love in return, but when you look at your situation, you still feel broken. In the book of Haggai, we read about this principle further:
You have sown much, and harvested little. You eat, but you never have enough; you drink, but you never have your fill. You clothe yourselves, but no one is warm. And he who earns wages does so to put them into a bag with holes.
– Haggai 1:6
When your heart is wounded, people can pour their time, effort, and love into you, and yet it feels like it’s never enough. The love leaks through the bottom of the bag, and you find yourself wondering where it went. Thankfully, during our conversation with Dean Goosen, he showed us the real reason why this happens to our hearts.
Mistake #1: Reacting From Old Wounds
If you find that love is never enough, and you’re hitting the same wall in relationships, it may be helpful to ask the question:
Am I reacting from an old wound or am I reacting to what’s actually happening right now?
The tell-tale sign that you’re reacting from an old wound is that you never seem to feel satisfied. Reacting from old wounds looks like needing constant affirmation from your spouse. The low hum of fear that exists in a wounded heart can be deafening.
If you’re feeling the constant need for affirmation, gifts, and love, you may be walking through an old wound of abandonment, rejection, or fear. While healthy relational connection plays a part in our healing journeys, God is the ultimate healer, restorer, and lover of our souls.
Discover how to surrender to God and experience the supernatural love that He offers: How Can I Fully Surrender to God?
Mistake #2: Expecting Someone Else to Heal What Only God Can Restore
This is where things can get painful as you’re processing a wounded heart. It’s helpful to remember this simple truth as you’re healing: people are imperfect, but God is always perfect.
God has promised to never leave us nor forsake us, and to be with us always, even until the end (Matthew 28:20, Hebrews 13:5)
People, on the other hand, are flawed and imperfect even on their best day. Even Superman can’t be everywhere at once to fix every problem we have.
During our conversation with Dean, he shared about his own story and how this mistake in relationships cost him. When Dean married a faithful, honest, and awesome woman, he was surprised to find that his fear of abandonment didn’t disappear. Her faithfulness and genuine love helped — but it didn’t cure anything. The relief from her love, reassurance, and presence would only last a day. After that, the old fear of abandonment crept back in.
Dean described that sort of fear as insatiable. Fear doesn’t ask for closure. Fear is always asking for more no matter what sort of love is offered. So…what breaks the cycle of rejection, abandonment, heart wounds, and fear? Perfect love that only God can provide. We read in the book of 1 John 4:
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
– 1 John 4:18 NIV
God’s perfect love is the only thing that can cast out the fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, and any fear you can think of. God’s love doesn’t compete with fear; it casts it out. Fear and love can’t coexist in the same moment. One will always be higher than the other. So, the real healing work isn’t about finding a more devoted spouse, friend, or counselor — it’s about making the intentional choice to break free from lies and experience God’s love.
Mistake #3: Assuming Expectations Are Perceived, Rather Than Communicated
The third mistake in relationships that can leave you hitting the same wall over and over is leaving your expectations unspoken. A simple, practical question to ask your spouse is:
On a scale of 1-10, how safe do you feel voicing your expectations of me?
After you receive a response from your spouse on this question, let their response settle in your heart, no matter what they’ve said. After that, you can ask your spouse:
What percentage of your actual expectations have you shared with me?
The gap between those two numbers may highlight problems that you can address in your marriage. Most people tend to rate their safety high, but when it comes to actually disclosing how they feel, that percentage rate tends to be much lower.
One helpful tool that Dean has implemented in his own marriage is the principle that he won’t allow himself to be angry about an unmet expectation that he never voiced. Unmet expectations breed conflict, but met expectations breed connection.
So, if you’re only sharing 40% of what you actually want or need, you’ve capped your relationship’s potential for connection at 40%. Rather than accusing your partner of the things they haven’t done and assuming they don’t care, take a moment to evaluate where you’ve kept silent and not been honest with your spouse.
Questions for Healing
As you’re journeying through healthy relationships and relational healing, here are three questions to ask God in the place of prayer or in a counseling session:
- Are there any unhealed places in my heart that need attention?
- Is there anywhere you want to meet me before I ask someone else to carry what belongs to you?
- Are there any assumptions you’d like to reveal to me? Help me replace these assumptions with truth.
Conclusion
Healing old wounds is a journey with God that doesn’t happen overnight. True healing isn’t a single prayer or breakthrough moment; it’s a process. So, take these questions to the Lord and begin to process what’s happening in your heart so that all of your relationships can begin to flourish and heal.
Discover more about healing and how to experience health in your relationships by watching the Everyday Faith Podcast on YouTube:
